Miserables

I will be happy if you are…

I already knew I am indispensable. It just got reiterated from time to time, and would hurt at those times.

But I keep pushing to know if I mean something, at all, ever, even if it is only for a moment.

Love me just the once, the way I love you every moment.

Love me when you are sad, love me when you are happy, when you have everything, when you nothing, when you are alone, when you are in a crowd. Love me for me, for who I am to you, not for what I am to you.

Is it still unconditional? But can’t I wish…….

I didn’t know that I was capable of “unconditional”… but to my dismay, and growing horror, it seems I am. In return for nothing, I can and would willing give you everything. It is scary. And combined with the thought that you know it, and don’t feel it, the saner part of me cringes with fear. A fear that cries angrily, “Watch out, you fool! You are all you have… And then you’ll have no more but a rotting, empty carcass of a soul. All for one, for whom you were a mere leisure and a hobby. Or if anything stronger, an addiction!” Do I need rehab? Because I love you? Despite and in spite? Why can’t I stop? Why don’t I want to? Who are you???

All that you take out on me, why is love never one of them? Or was it once, but is too painful to remember- that I was happy once, you were happy once. We were?

Burning in the cold fire, unspoken and unshared, wishing you never existed yet knowing all the pain of the world couldn’t keep you away. Irony is a bitch, alright.

Next up: 101 on how to lose someone you never had. 

Oh, the pain. If you could only understand. But the bittersweet irony- there would have been no pain, if you did understand.

I am disappointed in you, or may be in my idea of you. In your conformity to the obvious. In your malleability, however much appreciable and noble it may be. I’d thought you different. The difference that had made us alike. I am disappointed. In you. Or may be in that that I am no part of you, or you of me.

I was walking in the rain.

With the little drops of water

Pinpricks of salvation

On my upturned face

The wind roared and raged

Like a lover’s hand

Through my hair, caressing.

And inexplicably, or naturally?

I thought of you, remembering

Your lips as they smiled against mine

That last time you’d held me

Loved me, cherished me

Made me feel.

And my lips curved in a smile,

Wet, warm and wanting

Lost in a time left far behind

Oblivious to the rain.

Moments before the pain set in.

You aren’t happy.
Neither are you sad.
You are just stuck in a limbo,
With hands tied behind your back.
You want to smile
But the effort’s too much;
You wish you could cry
But the time has all gone by.
You wish someone would turn back
And not need words-
Someone would understand,
What the world could not.

Would you love if you knew there’s no beginning and no ends? No resolution, no reasoning, no logic but just flow, flowing with the moment? Would you love, if you’d known the how painful the pain is? Would you have loved knowing that all that was wrong was the time? Was it meant to be or was it forced? Or was it love? The real, elusive thing and not the overused and abused word- the thing that’s out of all our controls, machinations and manipulations? Can we blame fate and not ourselves with every weakening moment?

Some weak moments I still think of you, whisper your name…

And I can’t decide whether to be happy or be sad.

Happy, that I duped you no more. Duped no one no more.

Sad, that I duped myself too. Sad, that I had to lose a friendship to be happy, to do right.